a Sweet Wife's Life: an Irreverent look at the good, the bad, and the ugly of being wifey dear.

Puh-lease!!!

2008-11-16T08:35:00.000-08:00

Everyone try this little experiment for me:

google "how to be a good wife"

you will get 19,800,000 results! 19 million!!

now

google "how to be a good husband"

you will get 6, 090,000.

That is 13,710,000 more hits for the women. And who, preytell do you think is wasting their time writing all this BS? The men who can't understand why they can't keep a marriage together, despite their lying, cheating, and kneiving! So they write guides for us women on how to keep them happy regardless of what they do!

Say no to Bush- and I ain't talking about "W"

2008-11-16T07:49:00.000-08:00

I get that guys are more visually stimulated than woman; thus the enormous number of men who frequent strip clubs or actually pay money (that could have gone to shoes that last a good 5 years) to see pictures and videos of naked women. I don't know about you, but I cannot imagine a more disgusting experience than some man I do not know being so close in proximity to me that I can actually smell his breath, or worse, his sweaty body while he dances on my lap! Even when I did go see Thunder Down Under, (knowing they would be a safe distance, and unable to touch me), it was merely for thrills and giggles. We all laughed and mocked at these guys who sincerely thought they were sexy. Definitely not once ounce of sexual stimulation or arousal; truly, not one. If anything, I was turned off to think men could do this and actually take themselves seriously- another evidence that men are delusional. I would even be so bold as to make the statement that 98.8% of the people in that show were experiencing the same feelings as me, or lack of feelings, if you will. What of the other 1.2% you ask? They are the emotionally starved women who find solace in sex and being desired even if only physical (.2%), and the gay men who couldn't imagine a better way to spend their money than to sit and watch buff men sweat all over a stage (the other 1%).

But husband! Do not be confused. Yes, I still find you incredibly sexy and attractive. But yes, it does make a difference when you go for a couple days without showering, and wear old stained clothes, and most importantly- yes it makes a difference if you come at me with a huge bushy crotchal area!

Don't even try to tell me you can't stand it because of the razor burn! I'm not asking you to shave it all, and trust me, I understand razor burn. But to occasionally trim it up a hair? (no pun intended). Just a little snip snip to tame the wild bush. I don't even care if you use my hair scissors! It won't kill you, and it certainly couldn't hurt your chances of increased sexual encounters. (see below post if there is any confusion as to why this alone may be the most motivating factor). Plus, I will find fewer strays in the shower and on the bar of soap, and that could set off a chain reaction of good vibes first thing in the morning, that would trickle throughout my entire day, and again, increase your chances of getting laid. Because really, is there anything more disgusting than reaching for a bar of soap to clean yourself that is covered with little black curly hairs stuck into it? No wonder women use body wash.

He Brain vs. She Brain

2008-11-14T11:24:00.001-08:00

I am my own worst enemy

2008-11-14T10:58:00.001-08:00

Husband:
I realize that often, I am my own worst enemy. My mind goes places you have never been, and runs wild with the "what ifs". And you are left with my emotional mess to clean up. At times, I even feel myself reacting to a situation that has never taken place. I just want to say thank you for taking the time to diffuse each absurd scenario in my head; for reassuring me that those things have never happened, and never will happen; thank you for understanding that my mind works in such a way that generalized statements meant to broadly sweep entire topics do nothing to ease my fears or concerns. And a humble thank you for be willing to recognize those of your actions that have exacerbated my neurosis, and making a sincere effort to change behaviors that lead to my insecurities. I appreciate you taking some of the responsibility for it rather than pawning it off an account of me being nucking futs. I too will try to be rational, and not pin you for things you've never done. I will control my thoughts and accept what you say for face value. I love you.

...and then you go and BLOW it!

2008-08-26T15:40:00.000-07:00

It may not be a "lie" but it is still deceitful, and picking up "work materials" is not the same thing as picking up your golf clubs! Total honesty... give it a try.

Dear Husband:

2008-08-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

I love you for cleaning up the dishes after dinner, realizing that I spent time and effort making it. Oh the little things you do that touch my heart, and you don't even realize.

Frenemy Foes

2008-08-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

You all know a frenemy, even if you don't know what it is! A frenemy is a cross between a friend and enemy. You know the "friend" that relishes just a little too much in your miseries, and offers half-hearted condolences only trying to coerce more dirty details out of you? Here is my message to frenemies:
No! I am too old for this drama. Either you are my friend that loves me regardless of how messy or clean my house is, how fat or skinny I am, how rich or poor we are. Or you are my enemy that loves seeing me down. But you are no longer allowed to be both! I have no interest in allowing someone into my life only to discourage and mock me, all with a friendly smile on her face. Get the hell away from me!

Fear Not!

2008-08-17T00:38:00.001-07:00

Do not be afriad to comment and tell me what you think about my posts! Be ye man, woman, single, married, divorced, in love, in hate ... I would love to hear your imput. And don't worry about offending me- that is the beauty of this site (and anonymous comments) say what you mean, and mean what you say!

Dear Husband:

2008-08-05T22:26:00.000-07:00

Today I really like you. Why? Because you are actually around, hanging out with me. Strange, I know, but I actually like you when you are with me. It's when I don't get to see very much of you that I feel irritated with your very presence; but if we're being honest, it is probably just hurt feelings. I love you and think you are great, and want to be with you as much as possible. It hurts when I wonder if you feel the same. I always love you, but today I really like you.

And you wonder why I say no!

2008-08-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever actually come home on time? I give my consent, blessing, permission, whatever you want to call it, to go out and do (insert random activity here) with the understanding that you will be home in (insert said amount of time here) according to the information you have provided me. Why, oh why, is it that you have never actually made it home at, or around, that time? If it's golfing it's because there were slow people in front of you, and yet you still insist on telling me every time you ask to go that 18 holes takes about 3.5 hours; if it's a movie, the planned showing was sold out and you had to opt for the later show; if it's dinner they messed up your order and had to re-make the dish and it was super busy to begin with ("strange for a Tuesday evening at 4:30pm, I know, I thought the same thing, but true"); if it's hanging out with your brother he just had to confide his deepest, darkest secret on you at that exact moment, because the four hours you spent together prior to the time you were supposed to be home just didn't lend itself to soul-bearing...

Can't you ever just come home when you say you're going to come home, without some outlandish tale that may or may not be believable? I would be much more obliged to happily kiss you goodbye if I thought for one second you would actually be home when you say you are going to be home. Is it really any wonder why I drag my feet everytime you ask if you can go out?

Your girlfriend better be gorgeous, and a really good cook, and more sexual than that stripper named Cocoa that we unintentionally saw in Vegas. Why the hell else is there always an excuse for being three hours overdue?

You gotta wonder.

Dear Husband:

2008-08-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

Is it too much to ask that you put your dirty clothes in the hamper instead of draping them across the chair a mere 10 feet away from said hamper?

If it is only 10 feet away why is it such a big deal for you to put them in the hamper?

Because I have already picked up your dirty underwear from the bathroom, the wet towell off the floor, your two pairs of shoes from the family room, the cup and bowl from your midnight-in-bed bowl of Fruit Loops (that was not followed by a brushing-gross), and your socks from the hallway.

So what's another two or three items?!

Kindly, go to Hell.

Man Time

2008-08-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

You must be joking right? You did not just leave me to entertain your friends for the last 2.5 hours because you are running "a little behind"!! A little behind constitutes 20, 30 minutes TOPS! You just missed the entire event. And I was left to sing and dance for your little work boyfriend, his pathetic wife (who I would never be friends with on my own accord), and their 3 snot-nosed brats to boot! Nobody's crying kids are fun, but especially not when they belong to those you don't particularly have warm-fuzzies for. Oh, and I don't sing or dance very well, so I'm sure your friends had about as much fun as I did. And NO, your witty little remark at the end of the whopping 35 minutes you spent with everyone before all out melt-down and mayhem ensued does not make up for missing the whole shin dig. You are not that witty. Really, is anyone? I could smother while you sleep tonight.

Oh! and...

2008-06-14T14:17:00.002-07:00

One more thing dahlings!

When you need to take a load off... you know where to find me!

sweetwifelife@gmail.com

It's all a matter of perspective...

2008-06-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

"There aren't enough hours in a day!"

I beg to differ! I had another "ah-ha" moment of clarity during my blogging break, and now I would like to relay it to you.

It is far too easy to spend our days feeling guilty about the things we aren't accomplishing: The chores that go unfinished, the laundry that goes unwashed, the crafts the go uncrafted, the children that don't get enough quality time, the meals that go uncooked, the husband who is neglected, the pictures that go unscrapped, the thoughts that aren't journaled, and the list goes on and on and on.

We are bombarded with information and expectations as a woman, wife, mother, girlfriend, friend, community member. There are magazines on how to be an effective parent, books on how to be a better cook, blogs on how to be more crafty, websites on how to stay trendy, tv shows on how to be skinny!! Exhaustion anyone?! Just reading this list makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. How can we possibly measure up?

Here's the ah-ha:

We Don't Have To!

We are doing the best we can, and that is all anyone can ask of us. And quite frankly, we are probably doing a much better job than we are giving ourselves credit for in the first place. If there were 36 hours in a day, we would only fill it with 45 hours of work that needed to be finished, only to find ourselves saying once again "there aren't enough hours in a day!" So why torment ourselves any longer? We are doing great, and we'll continue to do better, but only if we acknowledge the things we have accomplished and feel a sense of accomplishment for the hard work we've put in. There is nothing worse than constantly striving for the un-attainable. So quit making your expectations unreachable! It is all a matter of perspective!

Stop tormenting yourself with information that makes you feel inadequate, or unproductive. Don't spend your precious time blog searching other people's OCD induced cleanliness, or Martha-obsessed craftiness if it is going to make you feel worthless. Be impressed with their abilities and leave it at that!

End your day with a list of the things you did finish! And write whatever you didn't on the to do list. But don't let that TDL run your life, or worse, destroy your self-esteem! YOU ARE FABULOUS!

Liar, liar pants on Fire!

2008-06-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

I have received an email from a reader who brings a very interesting topic to my attention. All gf's and wives have thought this, and now it is time to post it, so that we all know that everyone is thinking and wondering about it too.

"What is it with men and truth-telling? Am I just crazy about details

and specifics? Or is it really lying to obscure these little 'mundane'

particulars? Am I the only one who thinks that if he is fudging

on these fine points, he may be 'blurring the truth' in more

consequential actions? Any time I talk call him out on these

'busted moments' he accuses me of being irrational, over-reactive, or

plain annoying. And then says that it is this very thing that causes

him to tell 'white-lies' to avoid the unnecessary chaos that ensues

over such ridiculous little things.

So now I've become the bad guy for his telling lies. And, better yet,

I am the cause of these lies. No attempt to ask forgiveness, or promises to

do better. No responsibility for the wrong action in the first place,

and worst of all- his now 'justified' lying in the future to avoid

this whole show down!

I don't care if it is a big or a small thing. To me, a lie is a lie.

Am I crazy?"

Oh dear reader! Haven't we all been here? I know I have spent many a night awake trying to find forgiveness for a husband who didn't seem to ask for forgiveness over his wrong doings. I know I have fought with him over the truthfulness of his story, and whether or not correct times, and sequences really characterize a lie.

One thing I have come to realize is this:

Men and women are different.

Women are, by nature, meticulous, analytical, detail-oriented creatures who remember small specifics. Men are more general and broad sweeping, more concentrated on the result than the how and why they got there.

But as far as I am concerned, in the wise words of Erica Barry, from Something's Gotta Give:

The Truth Doesn't Have Versions!

So while I am not willing to just concede on this argument and allow him to tell whatever version of the truth best suits his current situation, I am willing to recognize that he probably hasn't conjured up a whopper to get out of a sticky situation, he just doesn't remember and relay events the way I do. Keep working on him, he'll get better with time.

Lovely Ladies...

2008-06-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

My sincerest regrets and apologies for being post-deficient lately. Aaah, to find peace again amongst my non-judgmental readers, who know that life gets too busy and out of hand at times. But I am back in full swing, with plenty to say, and plenty to post.

The Name Game

2008-05-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

And here they are, the results of your emails:

25. Ball and Chain

24. The Mrs.

23. Woman

22. Cheese Bum

21. Babe-a-licious

20. Hag

19. Snickerdoodle

18. Wiferino

17. The better half

16. The Snazi (a cross-breed of snot and nazi)

15. Mother Bear

14. Queeny

13. Moral Patrol

12. Cock-Blocker

11. Sugar Tits

10. Angel Puss

9. Baby Bumpkins

8. Pooding Pop

7. Money Pit

6. The fun-stopper

5. Toots

4. Jiggly Belly

3. Lifer

2. Tom Cat

1. The future X-Wife (oooh, that is just nasty!)

Thanks again for your participation. The more the merrier, so spread the word! There is always a place to sound off here ladies!

The Name Game-coming soon

2008-05-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

Ladies, ladies, ladies:
Installment number one of the Name Game is coming soon, but first! I need your emails listing all the names your husband/man has called you (to your face or behind your back). Send them, long or short, to sweetwifelife@gmail.com
The more emails we get, the more fun this will be, so SPREAD THE WORD to your friends to check out the blog. We need to get this to somebody in Texas who can get this to Dirty Harry, the one man of the Polygamy sect that sneeks off to the local library to use the internet once a week, and convince him to bring his 12 wives with him so they can check it out. Then we'll really hear some bonafide wife gripe!

And he claims to "help"

2008-05-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

I just read in this month's Reader's Digest that a husband actually adds 7 hours of additional housework per week! That is one hour a day picking up his dirty socks, underwear, towels, breakfast mess, dinner mess from last night, and who knows what else! And yet he claims to help around the house! He certainly isn't contributing an hour a day of house cleaning to cover his own messes!

How to Be a Good Wife

2008-05-16T16:06:00.001-07:00

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Introductions

2008-05-16T15:49:00.001-07:00

I love my husband, I really do. But do you ever get sick and tired of upholding the sweet-wife image all the time?! Need to vent, but where? Can't tell your girlfriend- she'll secretly gloat and enjoy the fact that your "perfect" husband is a man afterall, all the while offering you insincere condolences. Can't tell your mom- she'll hold it against her poor son-in-law until the day he dies. Can't tell your sister- she'll tell your mom. Can't write it in a journal- don't want to pass that down from generation to generation. So here it is, darling wives! Your place to vent without your complaints being attached to your mostly- good (or not) husband, or worse....YOU! Anonymous complaints (aka comments) are not only accepted, they are encouraged! Take a load off wifey dear!