Puh-lease!!!

Everyone try this little experiment for me:



google "how to be a good wife"

you will get 19,800,000 results! 19 million!!



now



google "how to be a good husband"

you will get 6, 090,000.



That is 13,710,000 more hits for the women. And who, preytell do you think is wasting their time writing all this BS? The men who can't understand why they can't keep a marriage together, despite their lying, cheating, and kneiving! So they write guides for us women on how to keep them happy regardless of what they do!

Say no to Bush- and I ain't talking about "W"

I get that guys are more visually stimulated than woman; thus the enormous number of men who frequent strip clubs or actually pay money (that could have gone to shoes that last a good 5 years) to see pictures and videos of naked women. I don't know about you, but I cannot imagine a more disgusting experience than some man I do not know being so close in proximity to me that I can actually smell his breath, or worse, his sweaty body while he dances on my lap! Even when I did go see Thunder Down Under, (knowing they would be a safe distance, and unable to touch me), it was merely for thrills and giggles. We all laughed and mocked at these guys who sincerely thought they were sexy. Definitely not once ounce of sexual stimulation or arousal; truly, not one. If anything, I was turned off to think men could do this and actually take themselves seriously- another evidence that men are delusional. I would even be so bold as to make the statement that 98.8% of the people in that show were experiencing the same feelings as me, or lack of feelings, if you will. What of the other 1.2% you ask? They are the emotionally starved women who find solace in sex and being desired even if only physical (.2%), and the gay men who couldn't imagine a better way to spend their money than to sit and watch buff men sweat all over a stage (the other 1%).

But husband! Do not be confused. Yes, I still find you incredibly sexy and attractive. But yes, it does make a difference when you go for a couple days without showering, and wear old stained clothes, and most importantly- yes it makes a difference if you come at me with a huge bushy crotchal area!

Don't even try to tell me you can't stand it because of the razor burn! I'm not asking you to shave it all, and trust me, I understand razor burn. But to occasionally trim it up a hair? (no pun intended). Just a little snip snip to tame the wild bush. I don't even care if you use my hair scissors! It won't kill you, and it certainly couldn't hurt your chances of increased sexual encounters. (see below post if there is any confusion as to why this alone may be the most motivating factor). Plus, I will find fewer strays in the shower and on the bar of soap, and that could set off a chain reaction of good vibes first thing in the morning, that would trickle throughout my entire day, and again, increase your chances of getting laid. Because really, is there anything more disgusting than reaching for a bar of soap to clean yourself that is covered with little black curly hairs stuck into it? No wonder women use body wash.

He Brain vs. She Brain

I am my own worst enemy

Husband:
I realize that often, I am my own worst enemy. My mind goes places you have never been, and runs wild with the "what ifs". And you are left with my emotional mess to clean up. At times, I even feel myself reacting to a situation that has never taken place. I just want to say thank you for taking the time to diffuse each absurd scenario in my head; for reassuring me that those things have never happened, and never will happen; thank you for understanding that my mind works in such a way that generalized statements meant to broadly sweep entire topics do nothing to ease my fears or concerns. And a humble thank you for be willing to recognize those of your actions that have exacerbated my neurosis, and making a sincere effort to change behaviors that lead to my insecurities. I appreciate you taking some of the responsibility for it rather than pawning it off an account of me being nucking futs. I too will try to be rational, and not pin you for things you've never done. I will control my thoughts and accept what you say for face value. I love you.

...and then you go and BLOW it!

It may not be a "lie" but it is still deceitful, and picking up "work materials" is not the same thing as picking up your golf clubs! Total honesty... give it a try.

Dear Husband:

I love you for cleaning up the dishes after dinner, realizing that I spent time and effort making it. Oh the little things you do that touch my heart, and you don't even realize.

Frenemy Foes

You all know a frenemy, even if you don't know what it is! A frenemy is a cross between a friend and enemy. You know the "friend" that relishes just a little too much in your miseries, and offers half-hearted condolences only trying to coerce more dirty details out of you? Here is my message to frenemies:
No! I am too old for this drama. Either you are my friend that loves me regardless of how messy or clean my house is, how fat or skinny I am, how rich or poor we are. Or you are my enemy that loves seeing me down. But you are no longer allowed to be both! I have no interest in allowing someone into my life only to discourage and mock me, all with a friendly smile on her face. Get the hell away from me!